Days gone by...

Have you ever thought about the past? I have really been thinking about my school years lately. Grade school, junior high, high school, friendships, first crushes...

Do you ever wonder what happened to someone? Who impacted you...good or bad? What teachers do you remember?

It's funny what we remember and how different someone else remembers the exact same thing. I remember being stabbed in the leg with a pencil in fourth grade because I wouldn't let a boy (I had a crush on) cheat off of my science paper. I remember the teacher grabbing the boy by the ears and putting him inside of a big garbage can. Back then it was acceptable...now the boy would have been suspended and the teacher may have been fired. How times have changed!

I remember being afraid all the time, being afraid no one liked me, being afraid of being teased all the time, being afraid to ride the bus. I would have rather walked across town than ride the bus. I look back and now realize that it was more likely my home life that was making afraid of everything. It's funny to look back and remember a girl who always picked on me. She stood behind me in choir and always poked at me. She actually tore a hole in one of sweaters. I remember crying about it and then being teased more. What she didn't know was that we couldn't afford new clothing and this was the first new sweater I had in years...my grandmother had bought it for me. She didn't know that my home life included emotional, mental and physical abuse and that by coming home with that torn sweater, I was going to be beat. I didn't learn until later in life that she too came from an abusive home. The only difference was she came from a wealthy abusive home and I came from a very poor abusive home.

This revelation so to speak was a major changing point in my life. As a child growing up, we all had insecurities! Those insecurities play on what we do and who we are, and they come from our home life. What we don't know is what the other person's home life is like.

Just about everyone knew that my father was the town drunk! What they probably didn't know was he was a very abusive drunk. They didn't know that I would rather be anywhere than at home. I loved staying overnight with others but I was always worried about leaving my little sister at home...alone...so I rarely stayed overnight anywhere. If I did get permission to stay somewhere, I was always in trouble the next day.

I was so jealous of everyone else's life. I never really thought that anyone could have it as bad as I did. Looking back, I know some of them did.

I was at a Bible retreat a few weekends ago and one of the speakers was talking about looking the best you can. She was beautiful...long,thick beautiful blonde hair, very petite, beautiful blue eyes...she was talking about Colossians 3 and how to clothe yourself...for you and for the Lord. Very interesting study. She was great at what she did. But the one thing I remember the most is what she told us at the end of her study. She told us what we were all thinking...how could someone so beautiful have any of the problems we had. She could fit into all the nice clothing, she didn't have to do anything with her hair it was naturally wavy and beautiful...what we didn't know was that she was born with her insides on the outside! Her stomach was nothing but scars. She needed to live in a certain city because that was were her specialist was and when she got constipated, they had to surgically remove it...all the time!

We never know what is going on in the life's of others. They may come from a wealthy family but still have problems...maybe even worse than your own. Don't judge people to quickly...you don't know the whole story! And don't be envious of others...there problems may be worse than yours! You just never know!

Yes...I do...Still think of you!

Does it get easier? Does the sadness ever completely go away? Does that longing to talk to you, hold you, spend time with you ever stop? NO!

The anniversary of your death is two years ago on this DAY...Monday! The actual date is August 13th! Either way you dice it, I still miss you!

A few days ago I was sad and couldn't figure out why...subconsciosly you are never far away. Sometimes I try to block you out so that I can move on with my life...but you are never far away. I dream about you. I think about you. I miss you!!

Yesterday in church I couldn't help but let the tears roll down my face. The pastor was talking about the desert and the fact that sometimes He will not take us on the easiest route but the route that He feels is best for us. Just like when He was leading His people from Egypt...17 God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, "If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." 18 So God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea. Exodus 13:17-18. And then...21 By day the LORD went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night. 22 Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people. Exodus 13:21 -22.

Can you imagine knowing that the shortest way is to the north but the cloud you are to follow is heading south? A trip that should take you 2 - 3 weeks takes you 40 years?

I know that the Lord has a plan for me. I know that He will not always take me on the shortest or the easiest route but I know that He has something for me to learn or gain...probably Faith in Him.

This time of year brings back so many memories...times I missed with you, times of hurt, pain and anger for the man who hurt us both so badly...pain, hurt and anger that I just can't seem to figure out a way to let go of...You found a way...I miss your strength, I miss your laughter, I miss you!!

Time Flies...

Tax day is almost over! Did you get your taxes in?? I really need to update the blog with some photos but I needed to take some time for myself...so I did!! I scrapped. We had my sister, her boyfriend and his kids over last weekend (Easter) for Tyler's birthday and for Easter...the kids had a wonderful time and of course I had the camera out. The boys were at the table decorating eggs and I got this shot of them all together so I couldn't resist scrapping it with these great Bo Bunny papers. I love the Beau Jardin line. It is so fun and easy to work with...coordinates perfectly. I never used to use patterned paper...wow have I changed.



Anyways, I just wanted to share this quick layout. You can still get the Beau Jardin at One Single Seed...the link is over there on the side...it is 40% off so get on over before they are out!!

Not quite as tired...

Sometimes I think that the good Lord gives you days that are meant to bring you down in order for you to appreciate other days.

Last night I finally got a good night's sleep. This morning I awoke with a whole new attitude. I think the Bible study I am doing right now got me in a funk yesterday. Now this is not a bad thing; sometimes you just need to 'cleanse' your system from all the guilt you carry around. And sometimes that means that you need to have a downer day. You think about what is upseting you, you pray about it, you pray for forgiveness, you give it to the Lord, and then and only then can you start to move on from it. I am not saying that I will never feel guilty about the same things again; I am saying that each day will now be easier than the last because each day I give my guilt and debt to the Lord and I ask for my debt to be forgiven and it is!! That is the part that I was having problems with. I know that He can and will forgive me; but, in not forgiving myself and continually feeling guilty, I am NOT trusting Him. So, each day I am asking Him to help me let go!

Yesterday was a day of purging! Thanks for all the hugs and for letting me vent! I know it's my blog and I can do what I want but it's nice to know so many people care.

Tired...

of alot of things. So today I am going to vent!

I am tired of snow...Yep me!! I love snow but I am officially sick of it. I do not want the hot summer but I want the snow gone!

I am tired of being tired...daylight savings is kicking my butt! I love the extra light at night but getting out of bed to run on the treadmill at 5:30 in the morning...it's just too dark. I know that I will get used to it but it throughs my whole system off. I am hungry at weird times and I am not hungry at meal times. I wake up hungry...normally I don't eat until 10:30 in the morning.

I am tired of being over weight...I have been working my tail off on the treadmill every day. (I give myself one day off a week.) I have cut back on food intake. I have increase exercise. I have given up chocolate and candy! Nothing in over a week! I have not lost; I have not gained. I hate plateaus.

I am tired of dealing with rude people. Drivers, sales people, reporters, customers...ugh! They just don't understand that you get a lot farther with me by being nice than by being rude.

I am tired of being bored...I know that this is a lull before the storm but I don't like not having enough to do at work right now and it drives me nuts to sit here not have enough to do. I feel guilty!

I am tired of feeling guilty! Guilty about not having enough work to do...guilty about my son's sadness over the divorce...guilty about living in sin...guilty about pushing my son too hard...guilty about not being a good friend...
guilty about the lack of relationship I have with my biological father...guilty about not looking for my sister sooner...guilty about way too many things.

Okay, now that I have that off of my chest it is time to move get over it and move on.

I am happy too! But I will leave that for tomorrow!

I have to share...

I have been trying to help out at Treasures to Scrap by not only doing my paper layouts but helping with digital layouts too. Treasures to Scrap has some new designers and let me tell you they totally rock. I was lucky enough to be able to work with Monna Lainson's Autumn Blossom and look what I created:





This kit the most beautiful papers I have ever seen and the detail in the elements... all I can say is AWESOME. And on top of all of that the price is fabulous. You really do need to check this kit out.

HERE