Unconditional Love

Love - there are so many ways to love someone. You can love someone and not be 'IN' love with them. My personal explanation of love...it does not mean that it is reciprocated. If I love someone, I want what is best for them and in reality, most of the time, they do not believe it is me. I am okay with that. Now being okay with that does not mean that I do not hurt...that I do not wish...that I do not cry. What it means is that I want them to be happy! If their vision of happy does not equal my vision of happy, I still want their vision to come true...with or without me. When you love your children, it is the closest thing that we as mortals can come to unconditional love...agape love...selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love. We cannot achieve this without being willing to sacrifice our own happiness for someone else's.

I am not saying that we need to continue in a relationship where someone cheats on us or is abusive (physically, emotionally or psychologically). I am not saying that we need to STAY or BE in a relationship at all. However, I truly feel that if we really loved the person, regardless of what they have done to us, we want them to be happy. To find what it is that they need to compliment (no one can complete someone else!) them.

I have loved. I have loved someone who was abusive. I have loved more than one who has cheated on me. I claimed to have loved them. I used the words but my actions did not always reflect what my words said. I was hurt and the hurt feelings over powered the love I once claimed to have. They hurt me; therefore, I wanted them to hurt. I let their actions modify my belief. As I reflect on my actions (reactions), I actually wonder if I really loved them? Did I know what love really was? Or was I just so wrapped up in their actions that I let it change my compass?

As I look back now, I have regrets about how I reacted. I was hurt...ashamed. And why? Because I had the courage to let someone in? Because I had the courage to trust yet again? Because I fell in love with someone who wasn't worthy of my love? Who didn't feel the same way about me as I did about them? Who may have felt that way but then changed their mind?

I did truly love them. I can look back now and direct my compass. I wish each one of them well. I pray that they find the happiness that they are looking for. Whatever that may be! I was not what they needed but that is not a reflection of who I am. It is a reflection on who they are and what they want. It isn't wrong! How they ended the relationship or how they treated me may have been wrong! But not wanting the same thing as me or changing their mind? That was not wrong.

It is truly an empowering moment when you can pray for the best for someone who has hurt you to the core. When you can still say, yes I love them enough to let them go with well wishes to find their true happiness. It doesn't mean that I would be dumb enough to ever take them back...I love myself too! :) I no longer harbor any ill feelings. I will always love them; they will always have a piece of my heart...I gave it to them...willingly. I do not need to be 'IN' love with them.

To my past, I wish you all the very best that life has to offer. I hold no grudges. I hold no anger. I am sorry for my reaction.

To my future, I have let go of my past. I am excited to see what you have in store for me!

As for today, it is time to live my life...today!

Some of us have given so much power to the people from our past that we are afraid of being loved again. After getting your heart broken, one of the biggest mistakes that you can make is, continuing to live your life like everyone else is out to break you as well. I know it takes time to heal. I know it takes time to pick up the pieces and rebuild again but everyone is not out to hurt you. If we continue to live our lives emotionally closed off from the world, there is a very big chance we will never get to experience real happiness. Being emotionally closed off will keep you safe because it will prevent you from getting close to anyone again but it will also turn you bitter. It will poison some of the other solid relationships with other people that you already have. Forgive who hurt you and take steps towards never reliving that pain again. Let it go so that you can let yourself grow into the person you were designed to be. Allow yourself the opportunity to fall in love again without holding on to the past. You will never see who is coming if you are always looking back at who just left.

When I die

On the die I day a lot will happen.

A lot will change.

The world will be busy.

On the day I die, all the important appointments I made will be left unattended.

The many plans I had yet to complete will remain forever undone.

The calendar that ruled so many of my days will now be irrelevant to me.

All the material things I so chased and guarded and treasured will be left in the hands of others to care for or to discard.

The words of my critics which so burdened me will cease to sting or capture anymore. They will be unable to touch me.

The arguments I believed I’d won here will not serve me or bring me any satisfaction or solace.

All my noisy incoming notifications and texts and calls will go unanswered. Their great urgency will be quieted.

My many nagging regrets will all be resigned to the past; where they should have always been anyway.

Every superficial worry about my body that I ever labored over, my waistline or hair or frown lines, will fade away.

My carefully crafted image, the one I worked so hard to shape for others here, will be left to them to complete anyway.

The sterling reputation I once struggled so greatly to maintain will be of little concern for me anymore.

All the small and large anxieties that stole sleep from me each night will be rendered powerless.

The deep and towering mysteries about life and death that so consumed my mind will finally be clarified in a way that they could never be before while I lived.

These things will certainly all be true on the day that I die.



Yet for as much as will happen on that day, one more thing that will happen.

On the day I die, the few people who really know and truly love me will grieve deeply.

They will feel a void.

They will feel cheated.

They will not feel ready.

They will feel as though a part of them has died as well.

And on that day, more than anything in the world they will want more time with me.

I know this from those I love and grieve over.

And so knowing this, while I am still alive, I’ll try to remember that my time with them is finite and fleeting and so very precious—and I’ll do my best not to waste a second of it.

I’ll try not to squander a priceless moment worrying about all the other things that will happen on the day I die because many of those things are either not my concern or beyond my control.

Friends, those other things have an insidious way of keeping you from living even as you live; vying for your attention, competing for your affections.

They rob you of the joy of this unrepeatable, uncontainable, ever-evaporating 'NOW' with those who love you and want only to share it with you.

Don’t miss the chance to dance with them while you can.

It’s easy to waste so much daylight in the days before you die.

Don’t let your life be stolen every day by all that you’ve been led to believe matters, because on the day you die, the fact is that much of it simply won’t.

Yes, you and I will die one day.

But before that day comes: let us live.

(not all my words but I can't remember where I found it)

Take your time.

It's ok to take your time when you are getting to know someone. We have to get out of this mental state of rushing to find love like we are up against a deadline. The one thing to remember about finding love is, "it will take as long as it takes." You can't rush something that you want to last forever. Take your time conversating with people. Take your time finding out if you both have things in common. Learn to grow wiser with someone while you learn about them as a person and what they have been through. Sometimes the only reason why we end up being with the wrong person is because we didn't ask enough questions to raise any red flags. Even if you like someone, take your time inviting them into your life on a deeper level, because at the end of the day, you are responsible for who you share your time and your heart with.

Negative people

There are negative people all around us. Some feed on being negative and actually enjoy it...they enjoy making others feels bad or making them feel weak, their problem isn't with you, the issue usually lies within them.
Don't let them get to you. Don't give them power over you. Accept that, that is who they are and release the negativity and know you are strong enough to let it go.

Someday!

Someday, you’re going to meet a person who you don’t just think about spending your lonely nights with, but a person who you actually want to wake up next to, a person to share your mornings with.

This person will be different because they’re the only one, who can move past the unbreakable wall you’ve built around yourself, who can look past your exterior and break through all the bullshit you keep selling to the entire world.

They can look you in the eyes and know exactly when you’re lying or hiding something.
They can glance at you for a minute and know exactly what’s on your mind and what you’re feeling before you even begin to say it.

There will be a connection that you just can’t seem to understand, a connection that goes beyond time, space, and reason. And you’ll be happy in knowing that you’ve met someone who can share something as amazing as that with you.

And they will let you enter their world, just like you allowed them to enter yours.
You’ll talk about all the ambitions and dreams that you had never revealed to anyone else before. You’ll open up about the fears and disappointments that you didn’t even know existed. You will reveal all your mistakes and insecurities, only to find comfort in the fact that this one person beside you, will never judge you for any of it.

Someday, you’re going to find a person who knows how to break through every wall you ever built and leave you with the kind of raw feelings and emotions that you never even knew you were capable of experiencing.

And you’re going to look at that person and know very well that they’re not perfect, that they have their own set of flaws, weaknesses, and insecurities. But you’ll find happiness in seeing how perfectly your flaws complement each other, in a way that everything starts to make complete sense.

Someday, you’ll realize that you’ve started to worry for this one person in your life, after years of only worrying about your own self.

You’ll find yourself getting angry to any person who has done them wrong.
You’ll find yourself feeling all these new things through another person’s soul. And while you will never be able to take away their pain or their past, it’s their future that you’re more concerned about now. And you realize that previously, your own future was the only one that actually mattered to you.

Someday, you’ll realize that if anything were to ever happen to this person, you would end up being a complete and utter mess. You wouldn’t be able to recover, to find someone who could replace them, to stop being sad about their absence in your life.

You’ll realize that they really matter to you.

You’ll realize that they always have.

And you’ll realize that they always will.
Someday, you’ll find yourself reminiscing over every tiny little detail about them- from the first time you met them and the very first words you spoke with each other to all the amazing memories that followed.

And the memories will start to surprise you. Because you’ll think about how you’ve lived a good and long life, seen so many different faces along the way and had so many different interactions. And yet, this person and all the interactions you’ve had with them are the only ones you remember with such intricate details.

And this relationship will be something that no one around you seems to truly understand. But the thing is they don’t have to understand it. They don’t have to accept it. They don’t even have to like it.

Because you already have.
So you’ll muster up the courage to finally break free from your wall, to let all your inhibitions go, and say those three magic words! And for the first time in your life, you won’t hold back because for the first time in your life, you’re looking at a person with complete confidence in your heart, a person who isn’t going to let you down.

Someday, you’re going to meet a person who simply feels like home.

Someone!

I just want to see the beauty in love again. I don't want to let the negative experiences of the past to control how I give and receive love for the rest of my life. Sometimes you have to move on and believe that there is better for you out there even when you can't really see it. We have to learn how to take our pain and turn it into purpose. We have to learn how to grow through what we go through, so that we can be better individuals in life. Stop giving so much power to your heartbreaks. Never give anyone so much power over you that, they start making you think about yourself in negative ways. Whether you are in a relationship or not, you have to have a mindset that your presence alone will lift the spirits of any room that you walk into. Someone out there is waiting to appreciate your love. Someone out there is waiting to meet a person like you, so that they can show you what it's really like to be treated the right way. Someone out there is waiting to build a life with you and give you everything you need when it comes to love.

Needs

There are so many changes that happen during our lives. Some of them are small and some of them are big, but each one of them impacts our very existence. We can respond to these changes in many different ways, and how I respond will be completely different from how someone else may respond. Neither way is wrong! Neither way is right! Because we are different, we cannot expect everyone to respond the same way to the same situation.

I personally have had many changes in the past few years. Losing my son's father was by far the biggest. I was never meant to be an only parent. And yes...there is a difference between an only parent and a single parent. Even though we were divorced, we talked a couple of times a week. Raising a 17 almost 18 year old is difficult to begin with...raising one without his father makes is much more challenging. The struggle I have is not having that person to talk to about our child. Yes...you can talk to friends, parents, siblings...NOT the same. They don't know the child like parents do. Sometimes just the daily struggle is exhausting...but when there are issues to deal with it can sometimes become more than exhausting. You don't know where to turn...there isn't anyone to talk to. Sometimes I feel like I am a failure...I can't seem to do anything right in his eyes. I have no control. People on the outside looking in are judging because you don't call as much as you used to...you don't see them as often as you used to...they will make snide comments about it. What they don't realize is that you are struggling to just get through each day. You put on a smile and hope that you can fake it until you make it. You are now responsible for so much more and it weighs heavy on your shoulders. There is no 'get away' time or 'myself' time. You are working every day just to get through that day. 

Some days you just need that someone who will listen...let you vent...let you ramble.  Most days you don't need or want them to 'fix' it.  You just want someone to listen.  To take time out of there busy day and listen to you whine and cry. 

Moving Forward

I have started making some MAJOR changes in my life. How I look at things...what I read...how I feel...what I think. I am surprised and pleased with the changes I see and feel in such a short time. The decisions I have made and the ease at which these decisions have been made. My attitude is one of gratitude...one of peace. I am not rushing to find someone or something. I do not need to replace what I have lost. I am happy with myself. The moment I typed that last phrase I felt this little pitter patter of my heart in the knowledge that what I just wrote was true. I am happy with myself. Life is easy. Easier than I was making it. I am reading a variety of books on how to improve myself...how to date...how to succeed in my dreams. Something I need to remember is sometimes people come into your life to be "teachers". Sometimes they're not meant to be your lover or your husband or your friend - sometimes, they're meant to be a teacher. And the life lesson they are teaching you, while very painful. . .is also VERY valuable as well. Because through your painful experience, this person, this teacher, has actually taught you what NOT to tolerate, what NOT to do and in doing so. . .actually helps you better determine what you need, what you SHOULD do and how you should expect to be treated by others. So believe it or not - a lot of good can come from these painful experiences, if you look at the individual who hurt you as a "teacher" of sorts. You may not have known what you wanted or needed or were worthy of previous to meeting them, but after your experience with them - they have helped you narrow down what you do want, what you are worthy of and what you need from another individual as your partner.

"People come into your life for a reason (teacher), a season (guide) or a lifetime (soul mate)."

I am learning. I am making lists. I am changing.